Stephen Wright Quotes • [Referring to a glass of water:] I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody! • 24-hour banking? I haven't got time for that. • 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. • 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot. • 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name. • A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. She said, "You didn't borrow this." I said, " I will!" • A child's mind is a terrible thing, ... not to fuck with! • A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. • A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. • A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. • A cop stopped me for speeding/ He said, 'Why were you going so fast?' I said, 'See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing [mimes steering wheel]? This steers it' • A fool and his money are soon partying. • A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street, and...........ooooohhhhhh, that's much better... • A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, ‘Wish you were here. • A lot of people are afraid of heights; not me, I'm afraid of widths. • A metaphor is like a simile. • About five years ago, somebody showed me some web sites that had my material all over them, and I thought that was fascinating. One reason was, I'd never seen my jokes written one right after another like that. I write on drawing paper—I don't even like lines on the paper—so I have notebooks all over the place with handwritten pieces of my act in them. So to see it go by, all typed out neatly, was like, "Wow." And then two or three years ago, someone showed me a site, and half of it that said I wrote it, I didn't write. Recently, I saw one, and I didn't write any of it. What's disturbing is that with a few of these jokes, I wish I had thought of them. A giant amount of them, I'm embarrassed that people think I thought of them, because some are really bad. • After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water? • After they make Styrofoam, what do they ship it in? • All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store...with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store." • All the plants in my house are dead---I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes. • All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand. • Always borrow money from pessimists. They don't expect it back. • always remember your unique, just like everone else • Always try to be modest, and be proud of it! • Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. • Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say "What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!" • Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. • Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back. • Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo! • Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop? • Change is inevitable… except from vending machines. • Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country. • Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect. • Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire. • Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. • Did you sleep well? "No, I made a couple of mistakes." • Do fish get cramps after eating? • Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? • Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer? • Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as ’4′s’? • Do the people in Australia call the rest of the world ‘Up Over’? • Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime? • Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter? • Does the reverse side also have a reverse side? • Doin' a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, " Go ahead, touch it. It feels real." • Droughts are because god didn't pay his water bill. • Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route. • Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. • Even snakes are afraid of snakes. • Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press? I don't get it... • Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.50 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE • Every morning I get up and make instant coffee and I drink it so I have the energy to make real coffee. • OK.... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans? • Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture. • Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film. • Everywhere is walking distance if you've got the time. • Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. • For a while I didn't have a car...I had a helicopter...no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running...[slow glance upward] • For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. • For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...I put them in the same room and let them fight it out... • If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? • Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks? • For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram. • Four years ago..............no, it was yesterday. • Half the people you know are below average. • Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. • Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? • Having sex with *name* is incredible. It's just like a concert. We throw Frisbees around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match. • He was a multi-millionaire... Wanna know how he made all of his money? ... He designed the little diagrams that tell which way to put batteries in... • How can there be self-help groups? • How come abbreviated is such a long word? • How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him? • How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dis-ing them anyhow? • How did a fool and his money get together? • How do you get off a non-stop flight? • How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink? • How does the guy who drives the snowplough get to work in the mornings? • How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb? • How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it? • How young can you die of old age? • I almost broke both my arms trying to hold open a revolving door for a woman. • I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ..... but she left me before we met. • 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence? • I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing. • I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road; I don't know how I got there. • I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar. • I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish. • I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took and to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping. • I bought some batteries... but they weren't included... so I had to buy them again... • I bought some dehydrated water, but I don't know what to add to it. • I broke a mirror in my house and I’m supposed to get seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five. • I broke my arm trying to fold a bed... It wasn't the kind that folds. • I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus. • I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he gan get me five. • I called the wrong number today. I said 'Hello, is Joey there?' A woman answered and she said 'Yes he is.' And I said ‘Can I speak to him please?’ She said ‘No, he can’t talk right now, he’s only two months old.' I said 'Alright, I’ll wait.' • I can levitate birds. No one cares. • I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it. • I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep." • I can't stop thinking like this. • I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child. • I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. • I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control. • I didn't get a toy train like the other kids, I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by. • I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this \//\\//\\//\. I go down to the pet store -- Gimme another ten guppies I got a lotta calls yesterday. • I eat Swiss cheese from the inside out. • I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger. • I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify". I wrote "Doctor"... What's my mother going to do? • I finally got around to reading the dictionary. Turns out the Zebra did it. • I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise. • I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list. • I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him. • I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one. It wasn't doing what I was doing. • I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it. • I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me. I pushed 1 and he just stood there. I said, "Hi, where are you going?" He said, "Phoenix." So I pushed Phoenix. A few seconds later the doors opened, two tumbleweeds blew in. We were in downtown Phoenix. I looked at him and said, "You know, you're the kind of guy I want to hang around with." We got into his car and drove out to his shack in the desert, then the phone rang. He said, "You get it." I picked it up and said, "Hello?" The other side said, "Is this Steven Wright?" I said, "Yes" The guy said, "Hi, I'm Mr. Jones, the student loan director from your bank. It seems you have missed your last 17 payments, and the university you attended said that they received none of the $17,000 we loaned you. We would just like to know what happened to the money?" I said, "Mr. Jones, I'll give it to you straight. I gave all of the money to my friend Slick, and with it he built a nuclear weapon, and I would appreciate it if you never called me again." • I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it [moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly].........and says 'Here, you can go.' • I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.' • I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were! • I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back... boy, were they mad! • I had a friend who was a clown... when he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car... • I had a quicksand box as a kid. I was an only child… eventually. • I had amnesia once or twice. • I had fried octopus last night. You have to be really quiet when you eat it. Otherwise, it emits a cloud of black smoke and falls on the floor. • I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen. • I had my coathangers spayed. • I had parked in the tow-away zone, and when I got back, the entire neighborhood was gone. • I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out. • I had to stop driving my car for a while...the tires got dizzy... • I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night. • I have a fax machine with "fax waiting". • I have a hobby. I have the world’s largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen some of it. • I have a large seashell collection which I keep scattered on the beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen it. • I have a map of the United States... actual size. It says, "Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile." I spent last summer folding it. I also have a full-size map of the world. I hardly ever unroll it. • I have a microwave fireplace in my house. The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes. • I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. [sighs] It's a start... • I have a switch in my apartment......it doesn't do anything......Every once in a while, I turn it on and off......One day I got a call......it was from a woman in France.......she said 'Cut it out'...... • I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out." • I have an existential map. It has ‘You are here’ written all over it. • I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one. • I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child. • I heard that in relativity theory, space and time is the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings. • I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone. • I installed a skylight in my apartment...The people who live above me are furious! • I intend to live forever—so far, so good. • I invented the cordless extension cord. • I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. • I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room. • I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious. • I just redecorated my appartment. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall... just so nobody would know • I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. He hates New York. • I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit . • I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire. • I like to reminisce with people I don't know. • I like to skate on the other side of the ice • I like to reminisce with people I don't know • I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit • And when I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving. • I lost a button hole today. • I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I'd say, "have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium." • I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "yes." • I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age. • I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkys on the escalator. • I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open. • I once put instant coffee in a microwave and went back in time. • I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, "See, that's how it's done." • I parked in the tow-away zone, and when I got back, the entire neighborhood was gone. • I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it. • I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds *amazing*. • I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..." • I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on hem. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles. • I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet. • I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time. • I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman on TV was confused. "It was supposed to be hot today." • I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don’t accidentally walk through into another dimension. • I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again. • I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back. • I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving. • I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking,” but I don't have that much time. • I saw a close friend of mine the other day. He said, "Steven, why haven't you called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want, my phone has no 5 on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know, my calendar has no 7s on it." • I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot. • I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit. • I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired. • I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said it's "Free With Purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything today. • I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second. • I saw a tree fall in the woods, and I didn't hear it. • I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass. • I saw a want ad; "light housekeeping." They said "Here, change this bulb." I said "I'll need some friends." • I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough.' • I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect. • I spilled spot remover on my dog...now he's gone. • I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wakeup letter. • I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. • I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldn't see any forests. • I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly. • I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks? • I took a baby shower. • I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on microfilm. By the time I got the machine set up, I was done. • I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes. • I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half of them. Now I can ride a unicycle. • I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic. • I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coathanger. • I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out. • I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up..... I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it. • I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job. • I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place. • I want to get a tattoo of myself on my entire body only 2" taller. • I was an only child, eventually. • I was born by Ceasarian Section ... but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window. • I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long..." • I was going to commit suicide the other day, but I must not have been serious because I brought a beach towel. • I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased the all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, "hey, these records are all blank." • I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy, Let me ask you a question, "If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?" He said, "I don't know." I said, "I don't want your job." • I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. We're surrounded. • I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies". So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars". • I was once arrested for resisting arrest. • I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me, and I didn't hear a thing. • I was reading the dictionary, I thought it was a poem about everything. • I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using? • I was skydiving horizontally • I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. • I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out. • I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game HE was watching was better. • I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone. • I washed mud off of mud. • I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast. • I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg. • I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake. • I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24-hours." He said, "Yeah, but not in a row." • I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time. • I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She looked at me and said, "Hey, you have two different colored socks on." I said, "Yeah, I know, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness." • I went over to the neighbor's and asked to borrow a cup of salt. "What are you making?" "A salt lick." • I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, "ten-four." • I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where’s the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. • I went to a fancy french restaurant called "Deja Vu." The headwaiter said, "Don't I know you?" • I went to a garage sale. "How much for the garage?" "It's not for sale." • I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specific. • I went to a haunted house, looked under the kitchen table, and found spirit gum. • I went to a museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums. • I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. • I went to a tourist information booth and said 'Tell me about some people who were here last year.' • I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. • I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar." • I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for reading. So, I got some flip-up contact lenses. • I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. • I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again. • I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums. • I went to this restaurant last night that was set-up like a big buffet in the shape of a ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want and the table would move across the floor to it. • I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was “Quote” so the last thing I said before I died would be “Unquote." • I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?" • I wrote a few children's books...not on purpose. • I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it it. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that." • I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine. • I xeroxed my watch. Now I can give away free watches. • I Xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare. • I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. • I’m a psychic amnesic. I know in advance what I’ll forget. • I’m going to get a tattoo over my whole body of me but taller. • I’m so tired… I was up all night trying to round off infinity. • I’m writing a book. I have the page numbers done; now I just have to fill in the rest. • I’m writing an unauthorized autobiography. • I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend...It's called 'They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring.' • If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress? • If 4 out of 5 people from diarrhea , does that mean that one enjoys it? • If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors? • If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose? • If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong? • If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation? • If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? • If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it? • If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know? • If all employees in a company are supposed to think in the same direction, why do you need more than one employee? • If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working? • If at first you don’t succeed then skydiving definitely isn’t for you. • If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. • If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? • If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress? • If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from? • If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. • If God dropped acid, would he see people? • If I ever have twins, I'd use one for parts. • If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny. • If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them? • If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be? • If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed? • If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? • If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? • If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan? • If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from? • If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too? • If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes? • If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into? • If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it? • If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat? • If warm air rises, Heaven could be hotter than Hell. • If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?" • If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity? • If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club? • If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses. • If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money? • If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey? • If you melt dry ice in a pool and go swimming, will you get wet? • If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before. • If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back? • If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented? • if you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke? • If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. • If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain. • If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer? • If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think you're Shakespeare? • If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work? • If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate. • If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in? • I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter. • I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads. • I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes... • I'm so hyper (said with a very dull voice). • Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears. • In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above...so I never have to go upstairs. • In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Madagascar. She said, "Cut it out." • In school they told me "Practice makes perfect." And then they told me "Nobody's perfect," so then I stopped practicing. • In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence. • In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number. • Is "tired old cliche" one? • Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate? • Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? • Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse? • Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut? • It doesn’t matter what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature. • It is like putting a dehumidifier and a humidifier in the same room and letting them fight it out. • It only rains straight down. God doesn't do windows. • It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself. • It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to paint it. • It's a fine night to have an evening. • It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused. • It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it. • It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one. • I've written several children's books ... Not on purpose. • Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them. • Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there. • Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts. • Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. • Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, 'Do I know you?' • Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle. • Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang, ‘Happy Birthday. • Last year for Christmas, I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier. I thought I'd put them in the same room and let them fight it out. • Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish. • Last year we drove across the country... We switched on the driving... every half mile... We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip........... I don't remember what it was... • Light travels faster than sound. Isn’t that why people appear bright before you hear them speak? • Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my shadow. • Many people quit looking for work when they find a job. • Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life. • My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year. • My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments. • My father was a small claims court jester. • My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant. • My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper. • My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs. • My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birthmark until he was eight years old. • My girlfriend and I went on a picnic. I don't know how she did it, but she got poison ivy on the brain. When it itched, the only way she could scratch it was to think about sandpaper. • My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour. I said "the whole time". • My girlfriend asked me if I slept well. I said no, I made a couple mistakes. • My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them. • My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me. • My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back in 1912... well, to make a long story short... • My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them. • My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH. • My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder." • My neighbor has a circular driveway...he can't get out. • My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere. • My school colors were clear. "I'm not naked, I'm in the band." • My socks DO match. They're the same thickness. • My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted. • My VCR flashes 01:35, 01:35, 01:35, ... • No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning. • Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour. • OK, so what's the speed of dark? • On my walls I have pictures of the rooms on the second floor, so I never have to go upstairs. • On the other hand, you have different fingers... • One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the most gorgeous blond Chinese girl... I sat beside her. I said, "Hi," and she said, "Hi," and then I said, "Nice day, isn't it?," and she said, "I saw my analyst today and he says I have a problem." So I asked, "What's the problem?" She replied, "I can't tell you. I don't even know you..." I said, "Well sometimes it's good to tell your problems to a perfect stranger on a bus." So she said, "Well, my analyst said I'm a nymphomaniac and I only like Jewish cowboys... by the way, my name is Denise." I said, "Hello, Denise. My name is Bucky Goldstein..." • One day, when I came home from work, I accidentally put my car key in the door of my apartment building. I turned it, and the whole building started up. So I drove it around. A policeman stopped me for going too fast. He said, "Where do you live?" I said, "Right here!" Then I drove my building onto the middle of a highway, and I ran outside, and told all of the cars to get the hell out of my driveway. • One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TV's all over the world. • One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said "Didn't you see the stop sign." I said "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read." • One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house. • Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow. • Power outage at a department store yesterday, twenty people were trapped on the escalators. • Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vue at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before. • Sally plays strip poker. Whenever she loses, she has to put something on. • Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark. • Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent? • Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers? • Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak? • Smoking cures weight problems...eventually... • So, do you live around here often? • Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK. • Some people think George is weird, because he has sideburns behind his ears... I think George is weird, because he has false teeth... with braces on them. George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk. • Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, "Wish you were here." • Someone told me half of all car accidents happen within a mile of your house. So I moved. • Sometimes I talk to myself in languages I’m unfamiliar with… just to screw with my subconscious. • Sometimes I... No, I don't. • Sometimes you can't hear me, it's because sometimes I'm in parentheses. • Sooner or later, doesn't EVERYONE stop smoking? • Sorry… my mind was wandering… one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn’t pay for. • Sponges grow in the ocean ... that *kills* me. I wonder how much deeper the oceans would be if that didn't happen. • Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have. • Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it. • The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing. • The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had. • The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it. • The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. • The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. • The judge asked, "What do you plead?" I said, "Insanity, your honour, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?" • The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store... with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store..." • The light went out, but where to? • The older you get, the more you learn to see what you've been taught to see. When you're a kid, you see what's there. • The other day I ... no wait, that wasn't me. • The other day I went to a tourist information booth and asked, ‘Tell me about some of the people who were here last year. • The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree. • The other day, I was walking my dog around my building...on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths. • The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "right here, officer". Later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all the cars, "Get out of my driveway!" • The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof? • The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. • The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach. • The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les. • The sky already fell. Now what? • The sky is falling...no, I'm tipping over backwards. • The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. • The speed of time is one second per second. • The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney.. • The sun got confused about daylight savings, it rose twice. Everything had two shadows. • The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded. • Then there's the story he tells about meeting the blond Chinese girl on a bus who tells him all her problems. She says she is on her way to therapy, because she is a nymphomaniac, but she only gets turned on by Jewish cowboys. She then says, "by the way, what is your name?" He says, "Hi, I'm Bucky Goldstein." • There aren't enough days in the weekend. • There is a thin line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot. • There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators. • There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot. • There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices... in the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air... • They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning...[picks up his glass of water from the stool]...I like to live on the edge... • They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right. • This isn't all true. • Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors. • To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. • Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so... he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait." • Today I... No, that wasn't me. • Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, ‘So, what did you think? • War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left. • We lived in a house that ran on static electricity. If we wanted to cook something, we had to take a sweater off real quick. If we wanted to run a blender we had to rub balloons on our heads. • What a nice night for an evening. • What are imitation rhinestones? • What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious? • What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants? • What hair color do they put on the driver's license's of bald men? • What happens if you get scared half to death twice? • What is the speed of dark? • What was the best thing before sliced bread? • What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way? • Whatever happened to preparations A through G? • What's another word for Thesaurus? • What's the youngest you can die of old age? • When an evil masochist dies, does he go to hell, or would heaven be a better punishment? • When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say? • When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. • When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey. • When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go? • When I first read the dictionary, I thought it was a long poem about everything. • When I get bored I go to a Seven-Eleven and ask for a two-by-four and a box of three-by-fives. • When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving. • When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. • When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey. • When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety. • When I was 8, I played little league. I was on first; I stole third; I went straight across. Earlier that week, I learned that the shortest distance between two points was a direct line. I took advantage of that knowledge. • When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said. • When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't understand what he said. • When I was a kid, I went to the store and ask the guy, "Do you have any toy train schedules?" • When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child....eventually. • When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?" • When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was a gunshot nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running down the street on a purple wooden horse. • When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street. • When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing. • When I was little, my grandfater used to make me stand in a closet for 5 minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice. • When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said, "No, I made a few mistakes." • When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded. • When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss?? It sounds like a near hit to me!! • When we were driving over the border back into the United States, they asked me if I had any firearms. I said what do you need? • Whenever everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. • Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do? • Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories. • While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: "Do I know you?" • Who is general failure and why is he reading my disk? • Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk? • Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it? • Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites? • Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there? • Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic?" • Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes? • Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii? • Why are they called apartments if they are all stuck together? • Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts? • WHY ASK WHY? • Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of? • Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have? • Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things? • Why do people long for eternal life when they don’t even know what to do on a rainy Saturday afternoon? • Why do people need a lot of money when they don’t have any time to spend them? • Why do people without a watch look at their wrist when you ask them what time it is? • Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? • Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new? • Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one? • Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors? • Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM? • Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail? • Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections? • Why do we call this planet earth when it is 90% water? • Why do we need clothes when the world is full of naked kings? • Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways? • Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase? • Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it? • Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them? • Why do you ask someone without a watch what time it is? • Why do you need a driver’s license to buy liquor when you can’t drink and drive? • Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead? • Why does sour cream have an expiration date? • Why doesn’t the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie? • Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? • Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? • Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff? • Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food? • Why is a carrot more orange than an orange? • Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist? • Why is abbreviation such a long word? • Why is it a penny for your thoughts but you have to put your two cents in? Somebody’s making a penny. • Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons? • Why is it that when you transport something by car, it’s called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it’s called cargo? • Why is it that when you’re driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio? • Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door? • Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons? • Why is the alphabet in that order? • Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? • Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? • Why is the third hand on a watch called a second hand? • Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds? • Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”? • Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one? • Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity... If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick... • Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo... He got pretty good... He could go under a rug... • Woke up this morning and folded my bed back into a couch. Almost broke both my arms cause it’s not that kind of bed. • Women... can't live with 'em...... can't shoot 'em • Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on doughbolts. They hold dough airplanes together. For kids, they make erector sets out of play-dough. • Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing... • Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business. • Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "What for?" • You can't have everything. Where would you put it? • You know how it feels when you're leaning back on a chair, and you lean too far back, and you almost fall over backwards, but then you catch yourself at the last second? I feel like that all the time... • You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is in the mail, and then you remember it really is? I'm like that all the time. • You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time. • You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading...and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time. • You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time. • You know how most packages say “Open here.” What is the protocol if the package says “Open somewhere else? • You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes? Why can’t they make the whole plane out of the same substance? • You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head. • You know when you’re sitting on a chair and you lean back so you’re just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time… • You know, the New Testament is pretty old. I think they should call them the Old Testament and the Most Recent Testament. • You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.